Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Ground Control to Major Tom, there's something wrong, New Zealand's broke, your funding's gone…

Astronomers are over the moon with the discovery of seven Earth-sized planets, in orbit around a very groovy red dwarf star.

Now considering there's seven and the star is a dwarf, the planets would surely have to be named Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful and Doc?

So far the only title they've been given are the inspirational labels of planets B, C, D, E, F, G and…I've forgotten the last one.

Oh yeah, that's right, H. If only there was an easy way to remember those.

While all this important news was breaking, New Zealanders were mostly distracted by the more important news issues, such as, should pineapple be put on pizza; and why Papamoa was invaded by frogs.


Life as we know it

The red dwarf star is smaller than our sun and puts out less heat, but its seven planets are orbiting closer, so the whole system is more compact.

The ones closest are likely too hot; the ones most distant are likely too cool; but there's a chance that a few in the middle might be just right, like Goldilocks and the porridge. So science people are excited that these might support life as we know it, or at least something similar such as Tim Shadbolt.

Note, they didn't say ‘intelligent' life…

Observatories

The new planets will come under the gaze of a couple of planet-hunting observatories. Including the European ESO scope, that is named, and I'm not making this up: Extremely Large Telescope.

That's quite an inspired name for the device. We assume it's bigger than their Moderately Large Telescope and quite a lot bigger than The Slightly Smaller Telescope and the Teensy Weensy Pocket Magnifying Glass.

But nowhere near the size of the Gigantic Kick-Ass Mega Combo with Fries Telescope.

Hardships and spaceships

Meanwhile, the Taxpayers' Union has put a rocket up the Government for giving aid money to countries that have their own space programmes. And rightly so, if a country can afford to blow millions into space you have to question why the NZ taxpayer is donating aid dosh.

Ground Control to Major Tom, there is something wrong.

According to Taxpayers' Union founder Jordan Williams, NZ since 2010 has dished out a total of $214 million to countries that spend up big on space. Indonesia scored $88m off us; while in the same period spent $223m on a space programme. India was given $4m, while it was busy blasting away $1.2 billion on space research. Nigeria launched its fifth satellite, and aims to put an astronaut in space by 2030…meanwhile Kiwi aid totalled $647,000 to help feed and shelter Nigerians on the ground.

This is lunacy on a grand scale. New Zealand needs to follow Australia's lead here, and cut aid to countries that have such warped priorities. We have people in NZ and the Pacific in hardships, while we're lavishing money on countries more interested in spaceships.

Avoiding Klingons

Meanwhile, NASA is tackling one of space travel's most pressing issues: it has
asked the world for ideas of how to dispose of doodoos in space.

We're not sure why they just don't fake getting rid of it, like they did with the moon landings, and like half the people who walk their dogs at Papamoa.

However, our advice to NASA is to get one of those little containers to attach to their astronauts that dispense plastic bags. Follow your astronaut around and when he squats, put the poop in the bag and walk around with it at arm's length for the next 45 minutes till you find a council bin, then try to wedge it in, around the Lion Red bottles and empty Woodstock boxes.

That way, astronauts can avoid Klingons on their space boots.

Arabs on Mars

Also aiming for the stars, the United Arab Emirates has announced a scheme to establish a colony on Mars by 2117.

Sheik Mohammed unveiled the plans and they've thought of everything. Oxygen supply, transport, science stuff, camel stables.

However, it's not yet known whether they'll allow pineapple on pizza.

Gravity of the situation

Meanwhile, back on Earth some humans have stooped to all new levels of depravity.
A warning here, this story contains disturbing images.

A bloke can only take so much. Practical jokes can only go so far before they cross a line. I've been on both sides of the practical joke game.

But there's a line. And this week, it was crossed.

A practical joke that went beyond the bounds of acceptable and funny. A prank that left me in despair for humanity. A numbness on my left side. Driven to drink. Huddled in the foetal position in the closet with 14 pairs of crocs.

Some of you may have been to this dark place before, for those of you who haven't, I hope you never have to suffer this: Someone prankster interferes with your
Spotify playlist and uploads Justin Bieber.

Parting shot

If you weigh 100kg on Earth, you would only weigh 38kg on Mars. Therefore you're not fat, you're just on the wrong planet.

brian@thesun.co.nz

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