Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

RR and Mrs RR went for a stroll downtown in the weekend. She wanted to go to Broncos. I needed a new pair of fishnet stockings, since mine got laddered while at the Frock‘n'Roll birthday bash with Richard O'Brien on Friday night.

If Nicky Hager was serious about exposing atrocities, he should have been there, at Baycourt. Crimes against fashion abounded, men and women dressed to kill, you could write a book about the attire transvestite transgressions.

Whore crimes. And that's just the men.

An excellent night out it was too, shame it was followed by a morning. Still it raised $32,000 for Starship Hospital thanks to Richard and his frocked friends.

And while the cross-dressing scene isn't my thing, it was certainly better than being dragged away to Adele as a few of my long-suffering mates were. I'd like to point out an important distinction here. The only time it's okay to cross-dress, is when you're attending a Rocky Horror-themed function.

Any other time is just plain weird, unless you are Richard, who has a special licence. Nor is it never okay as a man, to attend an Adele concert. You've had the last shreds of masculinity cruelly and painfully stripped from your sad, shadow of manhood. Even more devastating than being photographed on The Strand in fishnets.

It struck me that all this empowering women business is getting a bit out of hand, when they're dressing us and making us listen to their music. Next we'll be expected to take turns at being chained to the kitchen sink; have the remote confiscated and forget how to back a trailer.

Downtown vibe

Anyway the downtown is looking perky and vibrant, in a sleepy Tauranga sort of way. Not a bustling Brisbane vibe or an arty hip Wellington style or a manic Auckland stuck-up-itself way; just a slightly oversized quaint village sort of feel.

A drinking village with a fishing problem, it was once described as. Although we seem to have grown beyond that, and the fishing isn't what it used to be. Legs are the only thing being caught in fishnets these days.

Sitting at Bravo enjoying the wonderful breakfast selection, it was fascinating to hear the cruise ship passengers talking about their impressions of Tauranga.

Bearing in mind, they'd just been unloaded at the reclamation, next to the soon-to-be-finished Tidal Stairs, had a stroll around Robbins Park and walked along the looks-like-it-will-never-be-finished Wharf Street/Eat Street. And it occurred to me, the reclamation is soon going to be a smidgeon more exciting when the tidal stairs are completed. We could rename it The Exclamation.

The bit that juts out will be Exclamation Point.

Anyway the boat people seemed to like the place.

“A bit quiet, but the flowers are nice,” one bloke said.

“Not many shops open,” said big woman in slacks.

“Look there's a war canoe,” said one old chap pointing to the waka cage.

“I think it is going to rain,” said my wife.

Not sure why that needs recording, but it turned out later, she was right.

“Wouldn't it be great to see it being paddled? I wonder how often they take it out,” mused another cruiser.

“Depends on how much rain we get,” RR answered in his own mind.

Waka welcome

Which got me thinking, wouldn't it be a nice touch for a waka to greet cruise liners on arrival in Tauranga?

I guess the tugmasters are quite attached to their current boats, but hey, with a bit of training and crash course in te reo, what better way to usher a few thousands tourists into port, than with a rousing chant and flashing paddles?

Okay, so what about a special waka escort for the ships? That would be something different, a unique tourist attraction perfectly suited to Tauranga, the Anchorage of Aotearoa.

As with all good ideas, this one will be shot to pieces by red tape, PC correctness, health and safety and any number of pointy-headed bureaucrats hell bent on stopping anything slightly risky or different.

There'll be an exclusion zone around the ship. An exclusion zone around enterprise. A complete ban on enthusiasm.

Pointy paddles are bound to be considered a hazard and pupu without inflatable lifejackets and personal EPIRBS sure to be outlawed. But it's a nice thought, just for a moment, that a waka could one day become our symbol of welcome to these worldy travellers. I'll let you warm to that for just a moment, before it's roundly condemned, to the Crazy and Dangerous Basket, by the Fun Police.

Parting thought

Think you've had a bad day? Spare a thought for the reality TV contestants who spent a year living rough in the remote Scottish highlands, only to find out on their return to civilisation that the programme had ceased to air seven months earlier.

Ten of the cast of 23 contestants of the show ‘Eden' discovered that after fending for themselves for a year on the desolate Ardnamurchan Peninsula, only four episodes had ever been broadcast. Low viewer ratings meant screening the show was canned after just a few months, unbeknown to the participants.

That must be how the United Future Party feels at the end of a term; finding you've been putting on a show all year but no-one knows or cares.


brian@thesun.co.nz