Brian Rogers Rogers Rabbits www.sunlive.co.nz

Keep your Nerf gun handy, just in case

Two very disturbing stories emerged from the world of science this week. Firstly, the possible existence of an alien megastructure orbiting a mysterious star in the Milky Way.

Known as Tabby's Star, or KIC 8462852, the odd pattern of light emitted from the star located about 1500 light years away continues to leave scientists puzzled, noting strange luminosity in recent years.

The star's observed brightness dips by about 20 per cent, an unexplained phenomena that has led to a number of theories, some more sensational than others.

Our alien theory is the most exciting.

Last year the Search for Extra-Terrestrial Life Institute announced it was going to focus on the star to get to the bottom of the mystery.

Dan Werthimer, a chief scientist at Berkeley SETI, was quick to dismiss the wild theories of an alien megastructure. He's quoted in the news this week saying: "I don't think it's very likely — a one in a billion chance or something like that — but nevertheless, we're going to check it out." Here at Earth, we're pretty sure it doesn't have resource consent.

WiFi spy

The second shocking discovery: scientists have found a way to photograph people inside walls using WiFi. Apparently not all of that microwave radiation makes it to or from our phones, tablets, and laptops. What isn't frying our minds (and making us think there are aliens in space) makes its way to bounce their signal off objects, illuminating our homes and offices like invisible light bulbs. German scientists have found a way to exploit this property to take holograms, or 3D photographs of objects inside of a room — from outside of the room.

“It can basically scan a room with someone's WiFi transmission,” Philipp Holl, undergraduate physics student at the Technical University of Munich, told Business Insider.

Nothing to hide

Here at RR headquarters, we are taking all this news very seriously. The fact that some science boofheads can see inside the walls of rooms, using your WiFi, is quite disturbing.

Especially if you are the sort of person who keeps things inside of walls that you don't want anyone to see.

Personally, I don't keep anything sensitive or personal inside the walls of the house, apart from a middle-aged podgy waistline. If anyone wants to see that, well, go for it.
Knock yourselves out. No special secrets here except probably a few too many deep-fried rums and the odd chocolate burger.

But I can imagine there are people with stuff inside the walls of their houses, who don't want you to see any of it.

This would include:

People who have stolen supermarket trollies.
Exuberant Hide and Seek exponents.
Habitual library book stealers.
People who dance like no-one is watching.
Closet air guitarists.
Meth laboratory specialists.
Clandestine Abba fans.
New Zealand First.

Colonel Sanders (in case the recipe of 11 secret herbs and spices is written on the wall)

Anyone harbouring Myrtle Rust or any of the Rust family of fugitives.

Which is why the people on the mysterious alien megastructure orbiting the mysterious Milky Way star should also be very concerned, because the scientists here may be thinking of using their wifi-spy connections to see what's going on in the alien's place.

Poor old ET is minding his own business, singing in the shower and putting the hair straighteners on his antennae … or whatever aliens do in the bathroom… when some nosey nerd from Planet Earth taps in from the far side of the cosmos to perve on him. No wonder the aliens are nearly always angry and aggressive whenever they arrive here in a science fiction movie. They've been stalked in their own galaxy and made to feel completely alienated.

That is why we recommend you all arm yourselves with a Nerf gun. We are not entirely sure what a Nerf gun does, but they come highly recommended by a six-year-old I know, who is going on a mission shortly to his friend's house to check out a new fort.

A Nerf gun must surely be the best all round option to dissuade invaders.

Our young man is going prepared and here's the list of equipment a six-year-old needs while holed up in a fort: 2 shields, 1 black gun, 1 nerf gun, 6 bullets, and 1 black cape.
Sounds to be like excellent defence against weirdo aliens, and weirdo scientists who want to WiFi-spy inside our forts. And I reckon a Nerf gun might just be the thing to take down Myrtle Rust and her gang.

Harvey Wilson

Winners of the ‘Here's Harvey' game last week, drawn from hundreds of correct entries: Brent Souter, Barry Shaw, Ross Phipps, John Mutlow, Phil Potts, Vivienne Wilton, Stuart Box, Andree Withington, Val Butler, Janice Craig. The Weekend Sun beanies are on the way to you, as Stuart says, that will help ward off the man flu.

Thanks to the many who entered and for the many great comments about our paper.

Your challenge this week: Find the six mysterious nerfy aliens lurking on the pages (not including the one on this page), dob them into brian@thesun.co.nz so we can send Ben on a ‘search and nerf' mission. (There would be nothing more welcoming, after you've travelled 1500 light years to visit another galaxy, than to be ambushed by a six-year-old Earthling in a black cape firing rubber bullets from a six-barrelled gatling gun.) Email with ‘nerf' in the subject line and list the pages containing extra-terrestrial life. Remember to include your name and address so we can send alien-deflecting beanies to the winners.

brian@thesun.co.nz