Camels and asses kept at bay
You know it's getting close to Christmas when one of the Three Kings pulls up outside the office, climbs out of his Nissan and sets about adjusting the tea towel on his head.
Either there's a Christmas parade about to happen in town, or the dishwasher guy from Lone Star is having a bad hair day.
Fortunately for Sunday evening diners it was, in fact, the Christmas parade.
Of course I'm only assuming it was one of the Three Kings. There was no sign of the other two. Although the traditional rhyme by the scholar John Clark suggests another may have been travelling by tractor and the third on a scooter tooting a hooter.
I was interested to note the mode of transport of kings these days, clearly preferring the performance, ride and low emissions of the late model Nissan over the traditional camel. Just as well; there are enough humps along The Strand.
Anyway it seems the Christmas Parade, proudly supported by The Weekend Sun, went without a hitch and everyone performed like stars. Including the star.
Fascinating, that there was no ass involved. Reliable sources say it was ruled out because of health and safety concerns, which presumably spelled the demise of the camel also.
But more likely the organisers decided there are already enough resident asses inhabiting The Strand that extras were not required.
I completely support the health and safety initiative to keep the asses and other livestock away from the Christmas Parade. The animals just don't need those sort of threats to their safety.
Wild, wild East
Speaking of animals, what are you guys up to out in the wild, wild east?
Saturday night is alright for fighting according to Elton John, but in Papamoa they reckon Sunday night is a pretty good time for a bit of biffo.
Come on people, it's nearly Christmas and the time for goodwill to all men. And by that we mean the wimmin too. Sad to see normally peaceful neighbourhoods invaded with baseball bat-toting drunkards.
And here's a special mention for Ember-Jane, who either doesn't have a real name or the courage to use it, but thinks Rogers is being mean to Jacinda.
Well guess what… this column enjoyed nine years of poking the borax at the other team, now it's Cindy's turn. We're not selective with the ridicule and if the new crew want to keep providing the fuel, we'll keep igniting it for them.
Doing it by halves
The new government's promise to plant a billion trees has been halved. Here at RR we have exclusive revelations into how this will be achieved.
Forest researchers say that cutting off the top half of forests won't work. This has been tried many times in the past and while the bottom half of the tree, under the ground, remains, taking the top half off, leaving stumps does tend to stunt the tree growth.
Taking the bottom half of the tree away is a much more difficult process and while it looks okay above ground, the trees don't seem to last long without their root system.
Much the same as your motley Christmas tree will look by New Year's Eve.
Here is the answer to the government's plan to halve the billion trees
The Labour Party's Christmas tree.